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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 19, 2017 1:05am-1:41am PDT

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thank you. alright. or number two ... due to a spike in wobble headed toddlers we're canceling pregnant ladies drink free wednesdays. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: i think it was number. two who is number two? ken jennings. who apparently is legally incapable of losing a points based game. ken will be the funniest person for the next 23 hours or 75 nights, i suppose. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be rhea seehorn, taryn manning and jaime king. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #firstdraftcartoons and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. and don't forget, "baywatch" is in theaters friday, may 25th! take your friends. go and see the rock. i do love him. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. goodnight!
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>> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, and i'm itching to brawl at the airport sbarro's. it's hard to imagine a company having a worse 2017 than united airlines. they made international news when a passenger was violently dragged off an oversold flight, and things just got bat (bleep) from there. in the past month alone, a woman is claiming flight attendants forced her to pee in a cup, and there's been not one, but two-- yes, two-- separate scorpion sightings! these are real scorpions. reached for comment samuel l. jackson said, "here we mother (bleep) go again!" ( applause ) unites once had perhaps the most famous airline slogan of all
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time, "fly the friendly skies." well, the sky's still friendly, they'll just beat the (bleep) out of you on the ground. comedians, what's a more appropriate slogan for united airlines? jaime king. >> united, it's like hell but with smaller bathrooms. >> chris: points. ( applause ) rhea seehorn. >> united we ( bleep ) suck. we're just going to own it. >> chris: taryn manning. >> at least we're not spirit because those planes are currently on fire. >> chris: points. hey, seriously, guys. what about-- what about all the times we didn't burst into flames? no one ever talks about those. airlines! they're the only thing in the news that's (bleep) up as bad as our system of government. in honor of this miracle of science that we love to bitch about on twitter, we're devoting the rest of this segment of the wonders/blunders of air travel. it's a stand-up comedy show. we never talk about air travel. we're going to do it.
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next, passenger shaming. airline crews have a tough job, not least of which is dealing with you, the common entitled traveling jerkoff. beyond the daily hassle of trying to explain to huffing dickheads why they can't bring a souvenir machete in their carry-on, they have to put up with gruesome vulgarians clipping their goddamn toenails in the-- >> what! >> chris: just push them off. open the door, suck them out of the plane. and people so neurotic they require the emotional support of a service kangaroo, or so horny, they require the emotional support of a four-foot service penis. which i think they should just-- >> oh, my god! i think they should just bop that around like at a dave matthew's concert. all this and more can be found on the terrific instagram that is passengershaming, a gallery of amazing photos taken by brave travelers willing to get up close to the lady in row 23 popping her husband's blackheads while eating hot soup as a favor to you, as a favor to you, that is not the worst thing that happens on a plane, by the way. as a service to you, the air
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travel community, they do this. which one of these is another real post on passenger shaming. an intoxicated dude pissing at the gate with his pants pulled way down like a toddler, or a woman who almost suffocated herself with the plastic bag she put over her head because she was chilly? >> intoxicated dude pissing at the gate with his pants pulled way down like a toddler. i have seen that more than once. >> chris: they're both right. they're both right. first of all, hang on-- >> oh, my god! this woman who looks like a mafia suicide. >> what the -- >> it is a little dextery. it's a little bit of dexter. but this guy, this ( bleep ) animal here. who decided to mark his territory in line. take a look. there it goes.
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right down to there. >> good for him! >> chris: uh-oh. oh, boy! looks like sean spicer had a tough week. ( laughter ) >> we all know the major carriers but there are bizarre new lines for specific types of passengers. which of these offbeat foreign airlines is actually real? a. a german nude airline. b. a jamaican weed airline. c. a polish airline. did you hear about this thing? they wanted to save on fuel by reducing the weight of the plane, so they detached the wings. >> oh, no. >> wow, wow! >> chris: what? what? what? >> brilliant! >> chris: don't tell my mom. which one of those. taryn manning. >> i say "a." >> chris: yes, you're absolutely right. yeah, of course. whenever there's a weird thing, it's german. >> i've traveled. i've traveled. thi>> chris: this is a nude airline on germany.
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they started booking clothing-optional flights. since it's in germany, the bathroom is everywhere. >> chris: next, "friendlier skies." with all the social media outrage directed at airlines recently, it's easy to understand why passengers are boarding the plane ready to be pissed off. but if you're planning on flying anytime soon, let me make a suggestion: don't take out your anger on the flight attendants. flying is a soul-crushing experience. flight attendants are also on a 12-hour flight dealing with what you are. be nice to them, for no other reason they keep a secret when you go to the bathroom near the break area and take a nasty cinnabon ( bleep ). they don't tell anybody. let's show sympathy to these brave men and women. what is an announcement a flight attendant would like to make but never could? rhea seehorn. >> sorry, that's just a bit of turbulence-- or maybe not.
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i don't know. i made my piece with god. >> chris: points. >> our pilot is drunk off his ass, so am i. >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. from "better caul saul," mondays on amc, it's rhea seehorn. ( applause ) from "orange is the new black," season 5 available on netflix june 9, it's taryn manning. ( applause ) from the film "bitch" in theaters later this year, jaime king! >> chris: wonderful. it's time for tonight's "#hashtagwars." here they come. it's a big week for a certain kind of music fan because there's new releases from both linkin park and papa roach.
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please, everyone, calm down! wow! >> chris: so much new music for the man who likes to pound brews, drive to work in a car full of weed smoke, and once a year eats so much on nickel wing night that he (bleep) his best pair of cargo shorts. in honor of these few, these proud, these bros, tonight's hashtag is, #broquotes. some examples might be: "vape like nobody's watching" and "let them eat cake on their cheat day." i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock and begin. rhea seehorn. >> speak loudly and carry a big bong. >> chris: points. taryn. >> you want the "d," you can't handle the "d"? >> chris: points. jaime. >> life it like a box of condoms-- i'm not going to use them. >> chris: points. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> we have a herpes ucbstore.com. >> chris: points. >> help me, i need a spotter. >> chris: points. >> you had me at jello shots. >> chris: points. taryn. >> my name is amigo montoya.
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you killed my father, prepare to be shot. >> chris: points. very good. five seconds left. jaime. >> i'm going to make him a protein shake he can't refuse. >> chris: points. >> life is what's happening when you're making plans with craig but ( bleep ) craig won't commit to anything. >> chris: points. taryn. >> say hello to my little dick. ( buzzer ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: it's cold! it's just because it's cold! it's cold outside. it's, like, 60 degrees in los angeles. it's very cold! send us your #broquotes and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more "@midnight." >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well pla
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play "amateur hour: hip-hop edition." ( cheers and applause ) we now turn, as we so often do, to youtube, to highlight music videos from intrepid artists whose passion eclipses their talent by a significant measure. i'm going to show you an amateur hip-hop video, and for 250 points you just answer a question about it. very simple. first up, if you're having some funky legal troubles, call the rappin' lawyer! ♪ hello this is our rappin' lawyer speaking ♪ you can come to me with what puts you down ♪ and for a very reasonable fee i'm rap for you, i'll set you free ♪ ( applause )
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( cheers ) comedians, what's a crime that the rappin' lawyer might be guilty of? taryn manning. >> calling out his by the mark. >> chris: points. >> eating michael kaine. >> chris: points. >> wow. >> chris: you want me to crawl inside your belly? next, here's three young men answering the question, "what does white privilege sound like?" ♪ ♪ all day and night no stage fright ♪ no stage fright ( bleep ) ( bleep ) ♪ >> wow. >> yes, yes. >> chris: comedians as these, bring them to the stage. >> next up, mom awe the little yacht club. >> yeah, that's good, right?
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>> give it up for three boys named aiden! >> chris: points. oh, in that case, their group should definitely be called aidin and abetin '. come on! next up, some hardcore hip-hop with a positive message. here's some guys who are addicted to jesus. ♪ ♪ who paid the price died on the cross as a sacrifice ♪ so i'll sing it again my boys are addicted to him ♪ >> what ( laughter ) >> yup. >> chris: comedians, rappers are known to be quite boastful. what do these guys brag about? taryn. >> yo, i'm the pastor's favorite because i know how to keep
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secrets. >> chris: points. >> chris: points. next, here's debra danielsen from mtv's "teen mom" proving once again that reality tv stars make the best musicians. ♪ ladies if you're sexy and you know it let it show ♪ more than a mom d.j., play this song ♪ we're about to have a party party, party, party ♪ we're about to have a party >> chris: ♪ we're about to have a party we're going to party like it's 1899 ♪ comedians, what's an activity at this party? rhea seehorn. >> sailing. >> chris: points. ( applause ) jaime king. >> butt-chugging wine. >> chris: points. >> turkey baifters.
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>> chris: that's how she became a mom in the first place. >> chris: and finally, we saved the best for last. and, of course, by "best" i mean worst because here's a rapping fox news anchor! ♪ my name is tiny b., and i'm here to say, i have funky fresh rhymes in a major way ♪ i'm like white casper, got a dog named jasper, and if you don't think beyonce fears me ♪ go ahead and ask her >> wow. >> chris: what is a line from your review of this album? rhea seehorn? >> i-- i think it's okay because she was probably groped by bill o'reilly. so -- >> all right, points. so, i mean we just want her to be okay. this rap is a cry for help. better read between the lines. jaime. >> it isn't just a great rap name. it's also a great reference to every man in the fox news locker room. >> chris: all right, points.
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>> yes, yes! >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, "crazy like a fox news." ( cheers and applause ) speaking of crazy (bleep) on fox news, the firing of f.b.i. director james comey was the biggest story last week, and while every other major news organization was covering it, fox was uncovering dr. phil's secret bike accident? we see what you did there, fox news. you tried to distract us from the truth with a shiny puff piece about dr. phil dislocating his shoulder riding dirt bikes with a few hollywood stuntman friends. goddamn it, fox news, i fell for it. their brand of journalism is weaving over here while journalism is happening over here. i want you to come up with an a segment that distracts the masses. we'll get your answers when we come back.
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tonight is "tag team tuesday." tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the "@midnight" twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. @bunnyhugger75, @superponybolt, and @zackklapman. who definitely needs an animal in his han i'll call you back. is this my car? state farm knows that for every one of those moments... what? this is ridiculous! there's one of these... sam, i gotta go... is this my car? what? this is ridiculous! this can't be happening! this can't be happening! oh, it's happening sweetheart. oh, it's happening sweetheart. shut up! shut up! that's why state farm is there, what a day... with car insurance, for when things go wrong. but also here with car loans, to help life go right. state farm. what a day!!
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sfx: sailors talking into intercom talking ♪ around the world. around the clock. in defense of all we hold dear back home. learn more at navy.com quiet! let's get one thing straight.
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i'd never tell you to drink sprite. even if i was in a commercial for sprite, which i am. i wouldn't tell you to drink it. no matter what that cue card says. bron, man, say it. no. even if you'd just eaten tacos with extra hot sauce, and you were holding an extra cold sprite and for some reason, you were waiting for me to tell you to drink it... i still wouldn't tell you to drink that thirst-quenching sprite. i'd ask you... do you wanna sprite? ♪ ahhhhh! >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i asked our panel to report some breaking news as a fox news anchor. we've just received word that has been the second warmest spring in the past 137, which is also when god created the earth. for more on this story, here's taryn manning. >> north korea has reportedly launched a nuclear strike on the u.s. any time. so it's time to ask owrdz, is kimmy jong with the long dong bringing back the rockabilly of the 50s? you can strap on those blue suede shoes any day and launch
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that missile into my landing pad because you ain't nothing but hound dog. is that treason? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: truer words have never been spoken. now weighing in on the north korean missile crisis, it's... jaime king. >> thanks, chris. we'll get back to that. but more importantly, is we may never know bah no one here at fox news has read the torah because we don't speak mexican. ( applause ) >> chris: that was some hard- hitting journalism. up next, rhea seehorn with new developments with the war in syria. rhea. >> new polls report pube irty is a sin, and no one should do it. i'm sorry, i said that wrong. don't be a woman. >> chris: back to you.
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well, 5,000 points for everybody. 5,000 points for everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> i need them. >> chris: it's time for "fitbait." "fitbait." ( cheers and applause ) it's that time of year when the internet bombards you with clickbait and listicles about getting in shape for the summer. for example, "15 tips for surviving bikini season intact." "tip number one: don't get attacked by a shark." or how about this awful thing "from soulmate to swolemate: five reasons to start exercising -- i can't finish it. it's the worst ever. swollmate! that makes me so ( bleep ) mad! this will help you lose weight, because reading that sentence makes you throw up. comedians, you can do better than this. you can do better than this. i want you to come up with as many health-conscious clickbait articles as you can.
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in 60 seconds. jaime. >> this one yoga stretch could be the secret to sucking your own ( bleep ). >> chris: points. >> oh, my goodness, gracious. >> chris: all right, all kidding aside, we're going to have to talk about that later. like, jokes are jokes, but science is science. ( laughter ) rhea. >> 14 qaiz ways tow even be more smug about doing crossfit. >> chris: points. very good. >> five orgies you don't need in your weight loss journey. >> when ( bleep ) at the gym are you. >> chris: points. >> four butt exercises that will make your boyfriend forget there is poop in there. >> chris: points. ( buzzer ) >> what! >> chris: that is the end of that game. i'm not going to eliminate anybody today. i'm not going to eliminate anybody because. ( cheers and applause ) i don't feel like it.
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that means it's time to snopes yourself before you wreck yourself. it's "for the win" ( applause ) this may come as a surprise to you, but donald trump doesn't use the internet that much, aside from checking twitter and buying groupons for "uncle melanoma's tanning salon." ( laughter ) so how does a man that's barely online end up falling for so many right-wing internet hoaxes? well, according to recent story from politico, it's because his aides are literally printing fake news and handing it to him-- you know, the same way your grandma sees your facebook. the president is given a daily binder of news from the web that white house staff regularly uses to manipulate his mood and opinion, like when one aide gave trump a completely false story calling climate change a hoax, and then justified it by saying it was "fake, but accurate," which is like calling trump smart but stupid. furthermore, trump's aides make sure that the binder contains a mix of positive stories and praise to, "keep him from tweeting angrily." so, comedians, i want you to give me a fake news headline that would be handed to trump to make him happy. we'll have their answers after the break.
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we'll be right back with more "@midnight." ahh graduation day. a time for parents to beam with pride as their youngsters embark on a swell future. all but one, that is. you see, billy thought it'd be "neat" to try taco bell's new boldly seasoned naked chicken chips dipped in a sinful side of nacho cheese sauce. by graduating to these crispy triangles of temptation, the only diploma billy will receive is a master's degree in being hooked. actually it's a bachelors in fine arts. and these things are aweso... what a waste. brought to you by the council for eating fried chicken the same way you always have and not taco bell. let's talk about how investing in the futureco is of this country. a recent study found that low-income neighborhoods are more likely to have tobacco retailers
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...near schools... than in other neighborhoods. how convenient. in fact, big tobacco went to the supreme court to keep tobacco advertising near schools. cool, huh? nothing says commitment to the youth like a hard won legal battle. it's not a coincidence. it's profiling. don't let it go unseen. enlist @ thetruth.com be the generation that ends smoking. tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees for your unlimited plan? only t-mobile gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. that'll save you hundreds. get two lines for a hundred dollars. that's right. two lines of unlimited data. a hundred bucks. all in. and right now, we're giving you even more. for a limited time, get a free samsung galaxy s8 when you buy one. that's two galaxy s8s for the price one! plus, two lines of unlimited data for a hundred bucks. taxes and fees included. only at t-mobile. [burrito] you're in a in here everything must be real. so be real.
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i accidentally pledged a sorority in college. there you go. never been to delaware, that's one thing. uh sam, can you be more real and if possible...more interesting? see i have a severe glitter allergy. uh richard, you want to play him out? you know i'm an only child, if you don't count my sister. uh, yeah i can't read cursive. i have trouble breathing in the shower. mhmm, thanks for coming sam.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time for "for the win." i am going to wipe your scores clean-- wipe, wipe, wipe-- i'm going to read the answers out loud. and you, the audience, will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i told you about trump's aides handing him fake news to manipulate his mood, and i asked you to come up with a story that would make trump happy. let's see what you came up with. first one: americans agree a new poll, they're cool with the president taking it easy and playing golf all day. also, they don't care if he's into pee pee sex stuff. ( applause ) late news edition. number two, hillary clinton eaten alive. you're next, rosie o'donnell. ( applause )

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